Friday, August 26, 2011

Ek Kaidi aur Ek Hasina

For the entire week I was busy with work. I did not even have time to sip my coffee in peace. This was the busiest week of my entire career. Though the weekend gave some relief from work but today was Monday and tomorrow was the date for releasing the product. I was occupied with work, and things were not moving in right direction and in such critical situation I was swarmed by people who called me last on my last birthday. Just within the first hour of my office I had attended five and missed six calls and in parallel I was chatting with five other friends.

My cell phone rang and it was a call from an unknown number so I hung up. Again it rang displaying 9540611889 calling. I was too frustrated to take any further actions, I let it ring until it became a missed call. These BPO folks would not let you live in peace. It rang back and as I did not have luxury time to deviate my attention again and again, so I picked the call up to shout and ask him to stop harassing me. "Hiiiii" a girl screamed loud enough to make me deaf momentarily. A gal’s voice over phone reduces the level of mercury in mind. With soft voice I asked the caller’s name. Instead of giving a straight reply I heard "Do not you remember me?" In the moment of heat I asked myself “Who is this girl? Why did she call me? Why cannot she answer me straight? Did I ever promise a girl to remember her every second of my life?” Mercury was rising in outer and inner spaces but instead of showing my emotions I told her "Dude, if you want to have question/answer session, call me in the night. Right now I have much priority questions to answer". I was just about to cut the call, I heard “hey! this is Kamini”.

Kamini, I do not remember any Kamini, did we ever meet? I wanted to leave the CCD encounter behind but her name flashed the black day back to my mind. Kamini, speaking over the phone, was fluent in English so I dismissed my assumption. But she cleared my doubt and confirmed I was talking to Kamini ( Kareena Kapoor - Chameli > Kamini@CCD >Rakhi Sawant). "Arre Baap re." Did not I tell you about giving her my number to stay in touch (You know KIT)? In a slice of second, I started finding the reasons behind this call. Does she want to discuss date and time? Does she want to negotiate on price? Does she want to blackmail me? Did someone take our photos together? (I was still unmarried and my photo on walls will reach my village before me) These thoughts made me uneasy and instead losing my temper I managed to say "Hey, kaisi ho tum". Call ended with a promise to meet at Barista and My working spirit ended abnormally on the very moment I hung up the call. I dreamt myself on deathbed with no family around (Nagar Nigam folks were completing my last rites with following words - Logon ko shauk karne ho to khule mein nahi karne chahiye bechare ki shadi tak nahi hue ek chote se shauk ke chakkar mein).

I finished my work as soon as possible and reached Barista. She was wearing pink top on light blue jeans. There was little Kajal in her eyes, lips did not have any lipstick, nose did not have any stupid ring and there was very little makeup on her face. Precisely she was looking gorgeous and I was lost in her beauty.

In conversation she told that her real name was Shalini and she was pursuing her MA from Delhi University. I thought this girl had indulged in dirty business to fulfil her teenage desires. Anyway I was still unclear about the agenda of the meeting so a thought of trap was not allowing me enjoy her company.

Looking at my peculiar behaviour she figured out my intentions of not staying there for a longer time. She took my hands in her hands and told me that she started liking (I wonder - Another trap will surface soon) me after the meeting at CCD. According to her, I was innocent (in another words idiot/stupid/childish) enough to sit with a sex worker ( ;) I dint know until the waiter announced the news of sharing a table with a hooker otherwise it was out of question) in a public place. 

I inquired "Since when was she in this business?" She told that the day of our meeting was her first but last day. Then I asked the reason to choose such muddy business. She described her poverty and told that quick money was required to save her brother from the prison (WTF - Here comes the reason of liking me just in a meeting). The word prison started dancing in-front of my eyes. I could visualize her brother(like Sunny pa ji in hindi movies) holding the bars of cage and shouting “Koi mujhe yahan se nikalo.”

I was stunned, scared, terrified and startled. I never talked to guy who had a record of public fighting and here I was sitting next to a prostitute whose brother had been acquitted for one or more serious crimes. She told that her brother has been acquitted for Hit and Run case. She told that her brother's master, who was drunk and driving, has falsely implicated the crime on her brother. My mind was trying to figure out my involvement. What does she want from me? How can I help? Is she misunderstanding me with an advocate? Does she need money for trial?.

Instead of showing my impatient, I asked if I could be helpful. She said "I just wanted to meet and tell you about us and situation under which circumstances I accepted the muddy path. I will try to figure out the way to bring my brother back home." As an emotionless person, Instead of stretching my helping hand farther, I took the opportunity to run away from the situation so I finished my coffee and left her alone with her grief.

Again I forgot to mention, today was my birthday and My birthday gift was a kiss on my cheeks.

PS: If you do not know Kamini yet, Click here to meet her.

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Mystery prevails

I had been waiting for this trip for last 4 years. Everything was planned and things were on time. As per the plans I had to leave office at 5 o’clock, reach home at 5.30 and pack my bag by 6PM and reach the bus stand by 7. I reached home, door was locked, I unlocked it and entered. I started collecting the required things in huge backpack. I kept my clothes, camera (Oh camera was not there, no issues I still had time), more clothes, towel, tooth brush, paste, soap and camera, but my camera was still untraceable. I searched, searched more and searched harder but could not find my camera. So I called my mom.

Me: Camera Choda kya mene? (Did I leave my camera at home?)
Mom: Nahi beta. Kya hua.(No, What happened?)
Me: Kuch Nahi, Mene kahin to rakh diya hai, mil nahi raha hai. (Nothing great, I just misplaced it.)
Mom: Tujhe kisi chis ka bhi dhyan rahta hai, 300$ ka camera tha na. (Can't you keep your things attentively? How costly was it? Was not it 300USD?)
Me: Nahi Mummy, 200$ ka hi tha. (No, it was just 200$)
Mom: 8000 Rs/- Akal nahi hai, 8000 ka nuksan kara diya. Ab to flight se mat ana is bar, train mein hi ana. (Don't you have some mind? It is huge loss of 8K INR. Don't take flight to come home this time.)
Me: Mummy train mein 44 gante lagte hai. Mein nahi aa sakta. (Train takes 44 hours so I can’t afford this much time in train.)
Mom: Mat aa fir. 8000 rs ka nuksan kiya hai tune. (Do not come, it will compensate 8000 INR/-).

Oh man, My mom did not know the actual cost (1000 USD), otherwise It would have been more than one tiring journey of train. 

Nobody came in, nobody went out. All doors were locked and all windows were tightened from inside, then where did my camera go? Everything was in place, my laptop, my computer, my iPad and iPhone were not even touched but my camera worth 5 home trip was not there. Strange, is not it. Things were pointing to a theft. Due to lack of time, I could not investigate much and ran to catch my bus.

I was late again but this time I was only 10 minutes late to reach to bus stand. I inquired about my bus scheduled for 7 PM and I was amazed. My bus had already left, Only God can save India. Indians have stopped using IST(Indian Standard Time - Start at least half an hour late than the schedule time.). This increased the heat of my anger and frustration. I called my mom back and told her about missing the bus.

Me: Bus miss ho gayi (I missed the bus.)
Mummy: Kahan Ja raha tha? (Where were you going?)
Me: Bataya Nahi mene (Din't I tell you?)

Then why am I telling it now? Oh man, face it now. 

Mummy: Nahi (No.)
Me: Ladakh ja raha hun, Himalayas parvat. (I was going to Ladakh.)

My mom's voice was toned down.
Mummy: Himalay kyon beta? (Why are you going to Himalaya, son?)

Oops, what does my mom think about me? Oh man, I should correct her without wasting a single second.
Me: Arre Brimhachari banne nahi ja raha, Ghumne ja raha tha? (Not going to become sage? I was just going for passing some quality time)
Mummy: Acha, thik hai kitne ka nuksan hua? (How much did you lose?)
Me: Jyada nahi. (Not much)

I cut the phone before mummy could increase my period of exile. I searched the whole room, kitchen, hall, second room and house again but could not find the camera. I lost hope of getting my camera back and started living more cautiously. Few of our keys were missing. Though we did not have any idea about the burglar but we assumed someone must have found our keys and used the same key for stealing my camera. To eliminate further attacks all locks were replaced.

After silence for few days, thief hit us again. This time someone stole my Sudexo coupons worth 2200 Rs/-. What an idiot? He did not take anything other than Suxedo coupons. Investigations revealed that one key was lost. I doubted my maid so I fired the old one and hired a new maid. Locks, better and secure, replaced the older ones.

Things were fine for few days. But one day my old Sony phone was not in the drawer and some of my keys was missing for last 2 days. Was the missing key creating the trouble for me? I did not know it. So this time cook was targeted and changed. But there were not any respite from these lifts. More small things were picked without leaving any clues.Approaching Indian police was not a nice idea. Karnataka police was already burdened with Ijjat stealing and heart stealing cases, so burdening them with material stealing case was not appropriate. 

One day my room-mate moved out of the house to some unknown friend's house. He is not in house for last 10 months.

For past 10 months 14 days, Neither any key nor any item went missing from my room. Was it a fear in thief's mind, or was firing the cook/maid or was bringing better quality lock made our life better? We are still not sure about it but I have a request to the thief, please return back my khandani watch gifted to me by my dad at the graduation time otherwise how will I tell my son "Beta yeh mere papa ko unke papa ne graduation clear hone par diya tha".

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Cafe Coffee Day: A close Encounter

Most Indian couples start their relationship with a cup of coffee. Initially to ease off an emergency situation; they prefer a coffee shop nearest to the girl’s house; and these couples find CCD as the most suitable outlet wrt their requirements (I think no of girls in a vicinity determines the no of CCD outlets. Mathematically it can be expressed as number of CCD outlets is equally proportional to number of gals living nearby.). That is why Cafe Coffee Day chain, the most popular coffee chain in India, can boast about maximum couples turning up to its outlets to enjoy their constructive / destructive (Depends on individual’s outlook) and peaceful time. 

The above stated reason understates the number of visitors at CCD. Apart from couples there are lot many people (Atheists only, rest go to temples and sing some Bollywood songs to persuade the deity) who come to CCD with their desires. As CCD chain has a bit catchy slogan "Anything can happen over a cup of coffee"; so it provides hopes for people searching for their counterparts. Lot of couples can be seen sipping their coffees in their own dreamy world, lot of couples can be seen entering or leaving the coffee parlour. So it is not hard to expect a miracle.

I always hoped, Someday CCD with live up to its slogan and image. Whenever I visit the parlour, I wished to bump into any girl from my past or future but luck never favoured me. One such day things took a U turn. I entered the CCD and inspected the people sitting around. Though things were not different from any other day@CCD but all of a sudden my scanning stopped at one table and my mind started finding the reason for her isolation. My mind started questioning "Why is she sitting alone? Is there someone who has gone to place the order?" But as I did not want to lose the empty table just next to her, so instead of risking the important time in analyzing the situation in broader manner, I reserved the table next to her.

I was checking her out and suddenly she peeked at me. As soon as she looked at me, one of my eye-lid blinked, due to one mosquito who sacrificed his life to make my life easier, in other words I winked. She stared at me, as if she was looking for an explanation. Wow, it was my chance, but I did not have enough courage to ask her if she wanted to join me. Dude, just in few seconds she joined me. I did not know why? I thought she was either desperate or bold to sit next to me. (Anyway Dil ki ichcha poori ho gayi)

During our conversation, I came to know her name was Kamini, what a lovely name, is not it? Her skin was pink and she was wearing yellow t-shirt with few silver lines which caused her skin glow more and a decent short (short enough to cover half of her thigh) skirt. She had put light red lipstick (I think it was light) on her lips and her face colour was fairer than skin colour due to a thin layer of powder on her face. Her eyes were dark black due to excess of Kajal and she had put a nice and huge nose ring. To describe her acutely, her looks were better than real Rakhi Sawant and worse than Karina Kapoor in Chameli.

Aroma@CCD was little different now, all boys were staring me and her interchangeably. Shit, men cannot change. These Guys, All of them were sitting with chicks but they had to check out my gal. But in contrast all the gals were also staring at me. Guess what, whenever I hang out with a girl then lot of chicks check me out. Why cannot they find me muscular when I walk alone?

Btw, I was not much cautious about Aam Aadmi and I was enjoying my first real encounter @ CCD . She was not notably good in speaking English, so to save her from embarrassment, I started talking in Hindi (Baaap re, bach gaye nahi to apni to ijjat hi chali jati). We covered lot of white areas e.g. movies, cricket, sport, and education, lot of black areas e.g. population, traffic, pollution, global warming and poor people and grey areas e.g. Indian politics, corruption, medicine, sex and prostitution. Usually discussion was healthy except in two instances. One, when we started the topic of sex, she became too touchy (Do not take it wrong, I just mean emotional) and another when I started protesting legalization of prostitution.

After finishing her coffee she announced the arrival of her boy friend. I was sad but I knew she must be waiting for someone. I asked her number and she denied. Anyway I waived a good bye and asked the waiter to bring the bill.

Waiter brought me the bill and I gave him the money. He returned with change and asked "How was the madam sir?” I told him to mind his business. He said "Arre sir kya sharma rahe ho bol bhi do? She will charge 2000 INR for one night." I was stunned and in the state of dilemma I whispered "Was she a whorrrre?" Waiter got angry and said “Sir Ijjat se bolo, call girl bolo”. I looked at all the people sitting around me, they were still staring at me and I was sweating in air conditioned mall. I asked the waiter, "Will she consider my CCD bill in her charges?" and instead of waiting for his answer I moved out of CCD briskly.

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

Friday, August 5, 2011

A comparison between Changing Job and Finding Biwi

Interview is a process to judge the capabilities of an individual/group. An interview, an Interaction among two or more individuals, provides an opportunity for the interviewers to assess the caliber of the interviewee. Though this assessment might base up on different criterion but final judgment communicates the perception of interviewer regarding interviewee's capabilities with respect to the new responsibilities. During the same interview process the interviewee also creates his perception about future prospects. So F2F interview provides a fair chance to both the sides to decide their future path.

Oops, where am I heading and do not know why did I leave this philosophy/gyan shit stinking the post? Dude I am not going to dictate "10 AGELESS PRINCIPLES TO SUCCEED IN AN INTERVIEW". We all have faced it and we all work to overcome the shortcomings of previous interviews while preparing for the next. I am here to talk about the two unavoidable and important categories of interview e.g., Job and Marriage interviews.

These two types have a lot of similarities and lot of differences with each other. Both of these interviews have affects prior and later to the interview. For better results every interview needs a specific preparation beforehand, whereas a successful interview leads to the surges of unwanted events and scary consequences.

As I was saying, for both the interviews we need to prepare in a different manner. For Job interview mug up fundamentals of one language which may be either Java, C, C++ or others, Learn something more to show other areas where you might have worked for an hour throughout your career e.g., Ant, Maven, You must learn to lie because interviewer asks "Why do you want to join us?" and believe me they will kick your ass out if you tell them the truth and last but not least mug up some stupid company information e.g., Who was the last CEO of the company and what was his most recent achievement (When I heard this question, I thought did he something similar to Mark Hudd, HP CEO, caught red handed with his secretary)? Preparations for the marriage interviews are different.  Call your dad/mom and ask him/her answer of all the already compiled questions. Visit to nearest and costliest parlour and try to put lot of cream to make your face fairer which might in turn increase your cost in marriage market. Go to cheapest saloon to get new hair style so that no one can recognize you if they have seen you whistle before. You need to learn the fake smile, gals have to learn to wear high heal sandals and sometime sarees as well, learn to speak truth (;) Optional, as people say "Har rishta Sachchai ki Neev par khada ho to jyada acha hai") and nod for all the answers like do you know cooking, sewing and stupider stuff. After such extraordinary preparations you cannot fail in any of the interview.

After giving so many job interviews and marriage I could list down few of the similarities and differences between both. First effect of successful job Interview is the starting of career, on the same line first successful marriage interview starts another life. Job interview makes you a slave for an organization whereas after marriage you wag the tail in-front of your spouse. Slavery to an organization makes you richer every last day of month whereas slavery to spouse makes you poorer every day. :(

Even if you choose wrong organization, you can try again to find another job but after marriage there are no chances of changing the decision or finding the new guy/gal again. Among of the few of the seen scenario one scenario is this. If you are divorcee and you are searching for a gal then all the aunties in city will gather in a temple to gossip about you.
Aunt 1 - Haaaaaaaaaa, Kaisa Jamana aa gaya hai? (See the world!!!!!!!!)
Aunt 2 - Haaaannnn, Dekho na, Arkit ne pehli biwi ko 3 saal pahle hi talaak diya hai n fir se ladki dhundh raha hai? (Arkit divorced his wife just 36 months before and he is again searching for a gal?)
Aunt 3 - Biwi to sundar thi Arkit ki (His wife was beautiful.)
Aunt 4 - Maarta bahut tha Arkit use. (Arkit used to hit her.)
Though Arkit and his wife were split as their love was more for their colleague than each other’s but these aunties proved Arkit a devil and made sure he would die without marrying again. Top of that they could comment ludicrously on his Dhalti Jawani.

Beside If you divorce at your own will, then you have to pay half of your money; hard earned money.

Next common thing between both is Role of mediator. Most of Job Interviews are arranged by Consultants whereas relatives assist in marriage interview. At the time of Job Interview, you wish consultant (If she is hot) should sit next to you whereas at marriage interviews you wish to sit alone with the girl. Consultants cannot change the course of Job Interviews but relatives can change the complete equations. They can affect your decision, dowry, and many other related things. Basic and most important fact comes later. After six months of job consultants call you back to ask if I mind changing my job again where as Relatives do not even mind calling you ever in life.

Both the interviews start with the same question. Tell me something about yourself. You can choose either to answer it or to shoot a question back. What should I tell (Sometimes I think to ask back; well do not you have CV with you?)? In Job interviews this would mean to elaborate your professional experience whereas in marriage interviews it would mean to tell your height, your size, your weight and exact birth date including seconds and mili-seconds along with location of birth with labor room report in details.

In both interviews selection criterion is salary. Salary decides final payment at both places. If you are fetching good salary then you will attract less number of employers willing to employ you whereas you will attract more number of parents willing to choose. Job interview will be more drilling to validate your worthiness whereas guardians instantaneously will acknowledge the worth of money. Along with that Private employers do not want to employ government employee so easily whereas parents looking for security worth government employee over private IT software engineers.

Both the places you will fail if you start arguing. "Interviewer is always right so do not argue with him" is the dumbest but most effective rule of interview. I try finding reason behind this saying. My research suggests In Job interview it is followed to make sure new employee should not change existing rules and regulations and in some time he will forget his own rules where as in marriages, couple should be taught to refrain from discussion to induce longevity in so called happy married life.

Both interviews provide the chance of choosing. You can have 4-5 jobs at a time and later deny all but one. But in case of spouse, you do not have the option of engaging with 4-5 gals/guys and choose one later. If it would have been possible than Life would have been much easier. I would have been searching for spouse for last seven years ;).

As I am novice to marriage interview business, so i might have missed few of the important points but I will try adding more as my experience nurtures with time. As I was saying there are lots other after effects of interviews. Do not you think those are obvious to envision? After marriage, guys just listen and girls speak whereas after joining the company, employer sucks your blood and you crib about employer's blood sucking techniques.

That is all I could find about interview e.g., Job and marriage. I know there are folks who are more experienced than I. Let's share and make the world more livable ;) ;)